It is less than two weeks before my 30th birthday.  I am still single.  Unlike many, I do not find this fact to be some tragic, awkward admittance.  It just is.  In fact, the only reason that I bring it up is that I just finished reading a fiction novel called Living Single by Holly Chamberlin.  It definitely is not the best read I have ever had; however, I finished it, so that is saying something.  Anyhow, as what happens when I read anything, I feel an overwhelming urge to write, so I brought it here to my dusty, unused and sadly neglected blog.  I suppose reading the thoughts of another author entice me into putting my own thoughts down.  Thoughts that bring me tonight to a simple word that happens to be packed with a lot of meaning and curiosity for my own life: discipline.

I suppose if I had more discipline, I could write a lot more; whether it be a blog, a poem, a short story, or who knows, maybe even a novel.  I’ve literally been writing stories since I can remember.  I have old short stories I would write in crayon in class and publish within little books and random notepads of short stories continued with friends through middle school.  I spent my entire 8th grade and freshman year of high school doing nothing but producing pages upon pages of poetry daily that I later combined in a poetry book for my 11th grade English Final (to which I received a well deserved A).  I have this desire to write to express myself through words and stories and characters of people that I could not ever become, and yet, I seem to lack the discipline of a real writer.  I merely dabble, allowing my daily thoughts of a great beginning or ending of a story or some witty, poetic line dance away from my head before ever reaching paper or a voice recorder.

And as I dabble in writing, I dabble in art as well.  Again, lacking the discipline to go further into my art by practicing it daily or going to the trouble of taking the art I did create ten years ago and at least having it framed.  My mother would have preferred me major in Art during college than Psychology, a fact that I will never fully understand as it is difficult to do much with either if you are not going to grad school, which I still do not have the desire (or discipline, maybe?) to do.  And as I sit here, recovering from some ridiculous sickness that has put me out unwillingly over the last few days, I cannot help but ponder this word “discipline” and how it seems to very directly relate to my own singledom.

I wonder at times if my singledom as I call it just might happen to be a direct effect of my lack of discipline to finding a suitable relationship, like my lack of being a disciplined writer or artist?  I mean, I would really love to write more or paint more…or date more…but all the while I continue on in my daily life doing nothing that would potentially move me toward writing, painting or dating.  I cannot help but think that maybe the lesson I have not yet learned in life yet is simply, discipline.  Sure, I have a good work ethic, a passion for creativity that I use not nearly as often as I should, and strong ambition, yet no matter what I seem to do, success in any of these avenues all sort of boils down to discipline in a way.  I’m rather undisciplined with my finances, which I’d love to fix, but I happen to be rather undisciplined in my search for work now that I finally know what career I want to pursue for life.  I suppose I was disciplined in having worked so hard over the last two years to build my tennis resume up, but I have a tendancy to work really hard and then expect good things to happen instead of having a disciplined follow-through approach.  Being a good writer or artist takes time, practice, something small each day to keep up with the craft so that I can actively call it a hobby.  And I am guessing, because that is simply all a single woman can do at this stage, that dating or having a relationship also takes time and practice on a daily basis.

I sit around with single girlfriends, the number is quite diminished at 29, and quite often the topic as it has been since we first hit puberty is ‘boys’ or men I suppose now.  Why we don’t have one?  What have we done wrong? Where can we meet the good ones? Will I ever meet anyone at this point who hasn’t been married, divorced, paying child support? The list of questions and stirred up insecurities is never ending.  And while I am a firm believer that God wants for each one of us to find that “someone” til death do us part, I have to say that my ideas of “the one” have changed quite a bit in this decade of my twenties.

For example: I do not really believe in the whole “soul mate” thing any longer.  I mean, realistically, the numbers just don’t match up in regards to the population.  Especially with a good portion of the population today turning out to be same sex oriented.  Now, don’t mistake my realism for cynicism here, I do believe that there is still hope for me, hope for all those in my situation, but with regard to a “soul mate” I begin to lean toward my Aunt’s description that she gave me one late evening during my college days as we sat up discussing her college days.  She believes all of us have many “soul mates” over the course of a lifetime and that they are not necessarily a lover, but often times just some of our closest friends.  Those people that you connect with forever that know you deep down, accept you, and connect with you without ever having to try.  Now, some people may be lucky enough to happen upon a soul mate who fills the role of future husband/wife too, while others may be blinded into thinking that their soul mate has to be romantic as well only coming to the conclusion tears later (yes, tears), that maybe that was never what was intended upon their meeting at all.

While I truly do revel in stories of whimsical meetings and “we just knew” tales, at 29, the believability that there isn’t something else involved is wearing quite thin.  A discipline of sorts in actively seeking perhaps?  I believe I am not speaking just for myself when I say that the worst thing someone of my age hears from friends, family, strangers who are a little too nosy in regards to a “woman of my age’s” singledom…is that old addage “it will happen when you’re not looking.”  Now, while I must say that I understand one can be taken off guard, I just do not believe that any single man or woman is ever “not looking.”  Sure, not actively pursuing – but just completely obvlious to the attractive members of the opposite sex that may cross their paths at sporting events, or in town, or at work??  Pleeease.  Everyone that is single and aspires to be married or at least date “looks” or at least considers the possibility that if they are attending a friend’s wedding or an acquaintences bbq that they might happen upon a person of interest.  It is not always an expressed expectation, but it is a quiet thought in the back of every single person’s mind in my opinion.  No.  The people who always say “it will happen when you least expect it” are the people who a.) were actively dating and looking to meet someone, maybe they just didn’t expect it to be “the one”; maybe they didn’t expect the guy on the plane to be a total hottie, but they were not oblivious to the potential once they were confronted with an attractive individual, or b.) honestly cannot remember how it happened because they have been with that person since college or high school; stages in life where quite frankly, everyone is always looking.

No. I really am beginning to think that finding someone all boils down to a discipline of actively putting yourself out there with a willingness to date anyone.  The kind of person you end up dating; however, well that has little to do with discipline and more to do with all the other stuff that we insecurely obsess over with our friends.  For me, I think tonight that I simply lack discipline and the desire to date just anyone…so at this rate, I will probably have written a book before I leave the single life.  I sort of welcome my thirties as a single woman.  While I may still be looked at with thoughts of sympathy or curiosity as to what kind of crazy I suffer from, I trust that God will give me the direction and the discipline that is needed when I am ready for it.

So, having found the discipline to finally finish a blog, I will leave with this quote on dating; that while it may express ‘not looking’ it does express that one actively consider putting yourself in a position where there might be potential: I don’t think you can look for love.  All you can do is get yourself in a situation where you don’t discourage something that may be rather nice. Linda Ronstadt