Disappointment.  Death.  Discouragement.  2012 has certainly thrown out a host of unpleasantness throughout its year.  While tomorrow will simply be another day that erases nothing of the past 365, I must say that I am breathing a sigh of relief to move on into another year.  A recap of all the personal happenings in my life would be exhausting, and I don’t have the energy or will to display it all via blog.  Honestly, if a thousand years is like one day to God as The Bible says, I think I have a slightly better understanding, though still minuscule, of God’s perception of time after this year.

What I will say in recap is this:  I’ve lived in four states this year, beginning with Texas, where I finally finished the tennis program that I began two years ago when I chose to give up life as I knew it and trust where God was leading me.  Only to my disappointment, I discovered that Texas was not where I was called to stay.  Though I could have made it work in the Lonestar State, and I definitely plan to go back and visit the people I miss dearly; I suppose I wasn’t meant to see the seeds I planted grow into roots that would keep me planted there.   I returned to Kentucky (a State I never imagined I’d be so fond of and miss so much) to wait out the month of May penniless & strangely excited for another summer in Connecticut teaching tennis.  Everyone I spoke to was stunned at the fact that I was returning to camp just as I was in the strange desire I had developed in wanting to return to camp after having been so vocal about how out of my comfort zone I felt there in 2011.  But even to my own disbelief, I ventured on toward the beautiful mountains and quaint old-world charm of the Northeast once again.

And now I sit in Ohio, at six o’clock in the morning, writing from the spare room of my sister’s condo that I’ve been inhabiting since September.  I couldn’t sleep much.  Again.  In fact, I’ve been awake since three a.m.. Perhaps it was my urge to fit in one last blog of 2012, (seeing as how that would bring my total to a whopping two for the year), perhaps it is the fact that my unexpected allergy to her cats is causing to be problematic for someone with what once was mild asthma, or perhaps it is because I am still so unsettled inside after all of life’s journey’s and revealing of the last several months.  It is likely a combination of all of it really, but I feel some sort of change is coming; that there is a reason my outlook on everything is drastically being altered, hopefully for a greater purpose that I’ve yet to be able to figure out. I’d like for it at times to be as simple as wanting to write or medical science, but as a Christian, I know nothing in life will ever be “simple” in the grand scheme.    I actually find joy in this oddly; knowing that I must be doing something right when the Spirit is moving  me to a place of unsettlement inside. Typically, I have learned in recent years that this usually leads me to a decision of unparalleled peace; for a time anyway.  I feel as if there are some important lessons I need to learn in preparation for what might be coming, so as a verse from EVE6’s song Moon on their latest album states, “I just keep moving on into the unknown.”

One thing I do know, is that in order for me to keep moving on, God needs to be at the forefront no matter what my circumstance.  I’ve been led through a few bible studies at church in the past few months that I’d highly recommend to anyone seeking out what purpose God has for you right now in today’s world.  Frankly, what God has been revealing to me is unreal.  Scary, but good at the same time, ya know?  Like roller coasters.  And quite possibly a reason that has my insides stirring so much in the metaphorical sense.

So, the first study was The Life Ready Woman: Thriving in a Do-It-All World by Shaunti Feldhahn & Robert Lewis.  As a 30 year old female with a world’s expectations on who I should be by this point, this study shed a lot of real biblical light onto my callings in life as a woman.  So much light that I struggled to get through it each week, because it brought up some really sensitive topics for me as a single, never before married, girl.  Some of it was revolutionary to me the way the workbooks had us apply it.  And while I may have been the only single girl in my small group (or in the entire women’s group in fact), I managed to bring quite a bit of insight to the table as well as take with me a lot of godly wisdom for the future that I hope to share with other women.

The two I am currently doing are Knowing God by Name by Mary A. Kassian (this study is sincerely wonderful & I feel like I knew nothing about God compared to what I know now five weeks into it) and In a Pit with a Lion on a Snowy Day by Mark Batterson, which I will touch on in another paragraph.  You see, as I reflect upon decisions I’ve made and at things I cannot change from this year or past years, I am finding great joy in believing and trusting in the sovereignty of God.  When I cannot seem to grasp what is up or down, right or wrong, bad or good, I know that at least He knows.  At least He sees.  Who am I to argue any of it when I don’t know the end result?  God does.  The lessons I keep learning all seem to boil down to Trust.  Trusting in faithfully seeking and following my savior with not just words, but action, and by doing that, I don’t need to know what’s next in my walk on Earth.  I just need to trust that God knows, and I am never alone through any of it even when my heart or feelings deceptively tell me something different.

As for In a Pit with a Lion on a Snowy Day, what could be the most motivationally inspiring book I have ever read, well, here is some enlightenment from the third chapter I just finished yesterday afternoon.  It’s all about chasing lions (another metaphor, all though it is based on the actual act of Beniah in 2 Samuel of The Bible actually chasing a lion).  As I mentioned at the beginning, “discouragement” has been a bit of a theme for me this year, or rather, the feeling of discouragement that has heavily tried to filter out my joy.  And as I read the chapter on “Unlearning Your Fears” I seriously want to just write out the entire chapter, but I’ll refrain.  Instead, I’ll just quote a few of the big “aha!” moments I had when reading.  “Satan has two primary tactics when it comes to neutralizing you spiritually: discouragement and fear.  He wants you to focus on past mistakes you’ve made.  That is why he is called “the accuser of our brethren.” And the end result is a loss of courage.”   It goes on to discuss how Jesus’ courage along with a few other biblical men led to “epic miracles.”  And that to be a “lion chaser” we have to have the courage to face our fears, come face to face with our lions and display acts of courage that can change our lives and others in big ways.  Batterson says that “Too many of us pray as if God’s primary objective is to keep us from getting scared.  But the goal of life is not the elimination of fear.  The goal is to muster the moral courage to chase lions…..If the truth be told, the alternative to fear is boredom….”boredom is the root of all evil” because it means we’re refusing to be who God made us to be.  If you’re bored, one thing is for sure: You’re not following in the footsteps of Christ.  At some point in your life you have to make a choice between fear and boredom.” 

I think I am at that proverbial edge of the cliff right now.  I’ve got Satan the lion chasing me with discouragement and disappointment and death.  But, I’ve got the Lord’s Holy Spirit inside me screaming, “turn around and face it! all of it!”  So while today is just another day on the ledge, I am turning around.  I choose to let joy abound!  I am taking a step each day into the fear of the unknown, because no matter what I face, I will take in every minute of every moment knowing I am not alone; Knowing that someone is beside me walking, behind me pushing, and before me leading.

Happy New Year, world.  I’ll find joy through your tears.  I’ll get back up when you push me down.  I’ll put myself defenseless, not afraid to fail, so that when I learn from it, I can give God the glory for teaching me to succeed.