It’s a reflective kind of evening.  A crisp, beautiful, sunlit day that has turned into night before my eyes were ready to adjust.   I did not feel up to anything except coffee and a good chat on the phone with a friend for my night off. They are so few and far between, and this was the first one where I really had the opportunity to spend it alone.

After the third time my call abruptly ended due to service here or there, I decided the best bet was to just drive back to my camp home.  My Hollywood of the summer.  I chose to take a different way; though all the ways are dark and lined with forest and hills.  I’ve become familiar with the feeling of the unknown as I drive, so this summer, I’ve taken more risks to learn more than just one path to take to get to and from.  A life lesson hidden among this, perhaps?

I noticed when I looked out my driver’s side window how amazing the sky looked.  Wispy clouds spread throughout a deep blanket of starlight…inspiring in me a desire to just stop and look up.  Of course, as “risky” as I’ve been this summer, I’m still too sensible to stop in the middle of no-where in the forest where wild animals frequent.  As much as I’d like to just get a blanket out of my car and lay in an open field amidst the trees looking up to the Heavens on this gorgeous evening, my state of “alone” kept me on my drive; safely inside my vehicle.

I did however, decided to ignore my navigation system, passing the road that I was familiar with taking.  I proceeded to ignore it for the next three turns.  Eventually, it told me to take a left on Rabbit Hill Road…and I thought of Alice in Wonderland.  I chose to take it.  Rabbit Hill.  What if this one turn took me down a strange rabbit hole to nowhere?  What if that’s what I wanted…?  Was I hoping for an adventure on my own in the dark of night; the mountains of Connecticut under God’s universe of twinkling lights?

The passing trees, quick curves and narrow bridges, though different, were all the same.  No adventure.  Just the fleeting thoughts of one.  Fleeting thoughts of adventures I cannot have just yet.  I’m still trying.   This summer has been a different adventure from the past two.  Somewhat more spontaneous–I’ve surprised myself.  I’ve also disappointed myself in what I know and what I refuse to recognize.  I know not to push, so instead I pull.  What purpose does this serve?

I’m still going to look up tonight.  I don’t seem to ever get what I want in some areas…but I always have inside what I need.  It brings a peace back when darkness tries to throw in self-pity and sorrow.  Sometimes, I need a good taste of imagination & romanticism…and a car door back to reality instead of a rabbit hill or a rabbit hole.

“…But if you never try you’ll never know / Just what you’re worth / Lights will guide you home / And ignite your bones…”  Fix You by Coldplay