Ok, this is silly, but I enjoy little things like this, and Facebook placed a “Faceversary” video to remind me that today, I had joined 13 years ago. Might I mention, all of which was post-undergrad days for me (how can that even be!? what does that even mean, right!?).

Instead of an abnormally long Status Update, I am brought here to my blog for a little recap; a story I am compelled to tell before going into work for the day.

This reminder was a beautiful testament to me of where my life was before truly choosing Jesus Christ to follow spiritually. I learned it has to be your choice, as well meaning as your family might be in choosing it for you as a child. I am thankful that I came to that realization in my mid-twenties, where societely, I think we all start to lose our way.

My life between 2005 (when I joined Facebook) and 2008 had so much unspoken anger, sadness, bitterness. My entire life was always striving to “be good enough,” to be well liked. Which with wrong motives, really meant exhaustion. I did it all under a mask of a shallow, fading smile; full of judgement and self-righteous talk. My family and friends likely saw the worst of me through those years and before. In fact, God is still refining me to love my family without judgement, and that is the hardest lesson of all! My student-athletes and their families during that three year, pre-baptism period of time, started to bring out the best of me, and I found my career path.

I remember exactly where I was those early Facebook years; how fast and slow life seemed to move following college. My heart had been crying out (and literally, I was crying out loud most nights). I was clinging to a Bible I never read (mailed to me by a beautiful, believing friend who did not approve of where my drinking habits were leading). And I was begging a God I spoke of, but had never truly started seeking to take it all away from me, (the friend I had placed faith in above God and the volunteer work with my sorority post-college that was draining me of energy, filling me with pride and judgement) if it wasn’t what God wanted for me. I quote myself here as I sobbingly sat in my bed staring at the ceiling: “I won’t give this stuff up on my own God, so if it isn’t what you want for me to do, you will have to take it away from me!” I spent so much time reading self-help and looking to other sources of spirituality, rather than The Holy Spirit himself. Yet, that night, I cried out to Him…and that weekend, He did exactly as I asked. My pride fell hard.

My only thoughts in the days following were camped out on wondering why I couldn’t just be like the everyone else? Why couldn’t I just be a follower; Why did I always have to be responsible? (Note: I was rationalizing my “responsible” by comparison to the world and judging everyone around me, so really I didn’t look much different from anyone). Why was it always me that had to step up to take the lead? I spoke and God heard me, I knew that as a fact. I had just witnessed it. He answered, but now what!? I just want to follow for a change!

I remember the exact words that The Holy Spirit whispered in my ear that evening walking through my parents living room, expressionless over the events that boiled over that year, leaving me a walking zombie, void of joy. “I gave you my Son, Jesus, to follow, Loni, but you have not chosen Him.” I cried. I looked around wondering where that thought came from, was that even real; did I really not believe in the fullness of the Trinity? Was I missing Jesus?? The truth was, yes. Yes, I was. I had been like Peter many times in my life up to that point.

The Holy Spirit convicts silently, unlike the world, that judges openly. We often lash out when our hearts are convicted, but I promise you this, only God knows your conviction. And He wants to lead you to refinement and repentance that heals, not hurts. I learned those years to humbly lean into thoughts that made me question all I had learned, all that the world teaches, and seek the only place one learns about GOD; His Word, divinely inspired, translated yet unchanging. I took myself to the first church I wanted to judge for it’s mega-status and concert like atmosphere. A church much different than I had grown up in. And every week I heard “I know this is hard, Loni, there is a lot you want to judge. Lean into the message, because I am speaking to you, so stop looking at everyone else and look up!”… “You have no authority to judge the broken; Jesus will do that one day.” “Trust, even just a little, give me that little, and I will make it grow.” And each week, the sermon was delivered straight to my soul. All I could do was seek and study more as it began changing me from the inside out. Still today, thirteen years later, as I discern where to go, it is because my God knows exactly what I need to hear. Following is a daily practice in order to lead in life well.

Those lessons and those years were hard and yet refining and necessary for me. Oh, the ways God can reach us are unfathomable! And the spiritual growth I am still continuing to experience since putting my trust in Jesus has allowed me to understand joy in ways I never could have imagined & often struggle to explain (and when I ask The Holy Spirit to help, I find the words to say). I only know who I am following, and that He chooses me to lead in Him, daily.

So, thanks again Facebook, for the reminder today…of where I have been…and how far God has brought me. A reminder of the amazing tennis teams, families, coworkers, and Christ followers you sprinkle into my life all throughout the way for a greater purpose.

Kentucky, will always have a special place in my heart…it is where I finally understood “home.” It just isn’t where He meant for me to live.

Texas is where I learned to trust, leap in faith, and place my security not on my finances, but in an all providing God.

Ohio is where I learned community, healing, and true spiritual growth with other believers.

And Massachusetts, well, MA is a story unfolding to how I have been called to follow AND lead…

I am so joyful of the past decade that I have been blessed to truly see His hand at work in my life and the lives of others.

Where can Jesus help you see today? “Seek and you shall find…” Mathew 7:7

Thank you for reading.

With Love,

Loni