January of 2019 started quickly and somehow, we are now marching into April. Time is such a paradox and as each year passes it becomes more and more apparent. This blog began in December after hearing a message through my church.

After hearing the sermon (Your Song Is A Seed) back in December, I suddenly recognized that even though I knew hope, I had been living in a state of hopelessness in many areas of my own life. You can link to the sermon referenced directly or go to voxchurch.org for better understanding of the spectrum-scales I will post below from the notes I took. If you do watch or listen, I believe that the Holy Spirit will stir something up within your soul as He has been stirring something inside of me since last spring. 

The spectrum of hope and hopelessness discussed in the sermon referenced above explored the prophetic message in Isaiah 54 and is as follows:

Spectrum of Hopelessness (i.e. I just don’t expect much from: relationships? government? people? God? Yourself?...) starts out like this:

• Frustration (it isn’t happening now)
• Desperation (it hasn’t happened yet)
• Hopelessness (it won’t ever happen)

Spectrum of Hope (2 Corinthians 1:20-22) begins like this:

• Action (I step out on the promise in faith/it sets the promise in motion)
• Reconstruction (My heart is changing to align with God’s heart)
• Assurance (I am victorious in Christ for all God’s promises)

I had been holding tightly or rather, pressing down the growing desire for community, relationship, and family outside of my job for way too long. I realized I was still looking for fulfillment outside of Jesus Christ even after I had accepted and fully believed He is the way, the truth, and the life. (John 14:6) Among my joy and hope in Jesus; amidst the miraculous ways I’ve seen my Heavenly Father show up when I’ve stepped out in faith to move on His promises — I have actively allowed lies of hopelessness to settle into my field of eternal hope, disguised as weeds; proud and obscuring the view of my Creator and how He views me. I unwittingly allowed the enemy to grow in a dark corner of my heart and take the lies that had developed deep insecurities within me long ago to frustrate and silently lead me into a cleverly disguised hopelessness.

Truthfully, I have been a witness to God’s direct, intentional and relational movement in my own life more times than I can count. I’ve seen my Good Shepard leave the ninety-nine to chase the one (including me) on countless occasions. On those blessed occasions when He allows me to witness part of His movement, I am joyful and awe-struck every time. I can only look up and smile. I opened up to stepping out in faith and witnessed God’s timely provisions in the area of career many years ago. If I am honest, it was the only place I believed I had any worth or chance at success having been single for 95% of my reasonable-dating-years.

When I came home upon hearing that sermon in December, I was reading through a chapter in a book that drove home the stirring within my heart even more. The words brought tears to my eyes immediately and unexpectedly. Tears of sorrow and repentance that began that evening and that started up again the next morning. It was hours of revelation, and I couldn’t believe it had taken me so long to see it all! The Holy Spirit was convicting me of so much in that gentle way that only He can do, showing me where I as a believer have directly mocked God’s promises and delayed obedience in my life.

Don’t lie and say that you do not long for more. Don’t deny your dreams… So what are you hiding from? What is that dream that you now mock? What is the hope? You know that nervous laughter that catches in your throat in an attempt to cover what is now too painful to be taken seriously?…Or maybe your life is no longer a place of pain. The ache is gone and all that is left is numbness. Is it a place that when God touches it you cry? Far too many are empty, so they laugh in an attempt to mock hope…Is it too hard for him (God) to weave meaning into your life? Is it too late for him to put love into your world? What is it that you think is too hard for him to do for you? Excerpt from Lisa Bevere, Without Rival

God has been changing the desires of my heart to match His desires for years now, and I’ve been obtusely ignoring that there was any action on my part actually to be taken toward those promises. Last year, I placed my heart out there vulnerably for others to see and judge. Painful as it was, each disappointment has brought me closer to my Father in Heaven. Each divine appointment giving me a deeper and more intimate revelation of Jesus. Vulnerability is so liberating.

“…And we boast in the hope of the glory of God…because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.” Romans 5:2-5

What most don’t know about me is that I had a draw to be in New England on a spiritual level long before I had ever even stepped foot in the Northeast. I didn’t understand it. I didn’t know how it would happen. When the opportunity for me to spend a summer here in 2011 arose, I stepped forward in action and I sang! From that moment, God began refining and reconstructing my heart in the areas of community, relationships, and family.

I had stepped out here in action, that first step of hope on the spectrum, for graduate school in 2015 in hopes of landing a job in New England as a collegiate coach in order to settle down and plant roots here. God fulfilled this dream of mine in Feb. of 2017, and He is showing me that I have a lot more dreams than just coaching – and He has a lot more promises for me. I told very few friends that 2018 was a “final attempt” to see if I wasn’t just meant to be single (as I’d become hopeless in this area for as long as I can remember). Seven months into what was really discouraging last year, had me sign up for a final site that forced me to take the first step to action.

A glimmer of hope arose in mid July. Meeting a beautiful man who held a trifecta of interest for me right away was a first: intellectually, physically, and spiritually (as the Holy Spirit prompted me to bring God into the conversation within days). It was unexpected, and I was unassuming. I’m forever grateful at how our connection brought me to my knees in prayer over him before we met and still to this day long after he chose to exit my daily reality for reasons I can only trust God to know right now. The only thing that was made clear to me was that internet dating is not the action step needed for me to take in this area. While I am still unclear if it was a hard “no” from God, I am certain that it was a “not yet” for good reason and that God has an aerial view that I simply cannot see right now.

Ultimately, a three year prayer for real, authentic community among the body of Christ was a promise answered in late October instead. It had me on my knees again out of gratefulness that God had not forgotten me. Jesus heard my prayers all along, and the revelation of why I was drawn to New England is starting to take root. There is so much hope waiting to be poured out here! So many seeds to plant with a simple song and a step of faith.

The weeds of hopelessness have attempted over the years to keep me from expecting much from others; internally shaming my ability to dream of a life that could be more fruitful together with another. I am not ashamed of being unmarried at the age of thirty-six; however, I was ashamed of wanting something I spent a decade denying I wanted. Somehow I believed my wanting marriage and family would negate how much I love my life. I fully appreciate the way no physical distraction with another has been able to grow me spiritually to know Christ’s love for me. All of those who have rejected me over the years, strangely, brought me a deeper understanding of the rejection Jesus faced in order that I might have life in Him. It was humbling to recognize all the ways I’ve rejected my Savior, and yet comforting to know while I was rejected, I have a God who truly understands rejection by those He only wants to love that do not want to receive a love that heals all brokenness. I still hope that I can experience marriage & family one day if it will honor God.

God wants you to know HIS hope for your life too! He wants to reconstruct every broken dream and unfulfilled promise by giving you His desires through the revelation of Jesus Christ. He wants to renew your body and soul that has been tied with so many idols (sexuality, pleasure, food, alcohol, drugs, legalism, etc.) in an attempt to find completeness that is found only in Him. The list of idols, addictions and self-worship is increasing daily. He wants to redeem and conquer it all within YOU personally, because He already conquered the death in us all! And when we receive who HE is, we are gifted the indwelling of His Holy Spirit to lead us through the troubles we will continue to face in this life this side of heaven; to face it all with an unparalleled hope for eternity. (1 Corinthians 15; Ephesians 1; Philippians 2)

Jesus is currently reconstructing my hope. Will you let Him begin reconstructing hope in you today?

It’s never too late to start to over. Every day in Christ is a day of letting hope root out the weeds of hurt, rebellion, and shame. Let Him shine renewal upon the hardened, hopeless areas of your heart, so that your song can be a seed for someone else along the way.